Lucky No. 7?

And another one down, and another one down, and another one bites the dust. Cycle 7 of attempting to make AJ a big sister = FAIL

Do I get to complain? I don't think so. I should, and do, feel extremely blessed to have a healthy happy little girl. She's amazing, wonderful and the best part of my life right now. I feel greedy for being bummed when AF rears her ugly head. How can I feel entitled to another miracle? Who can I complain to? Most people have issues with conceiving their first and it's smooth sailing after that. They don't know how it feels to know everything did work, but it's not now. Then there are those who have struggled with conceiving. I have no right to speak with them as I do have a baby. I have no reason to complain.

But still, this morning, while getting all my supplies ready for a day at the office with the great Aunt visting, I wanted to cry. So, instead of crying, I yelled, at M, for nothing. It's not his fault, but still. He was there, so he got the attack. I forgot that it's not all about me. He wants another baby just as much as I do.

Now the question starts to creep in. Before, I could just say, well we didn't time it right, we weren't really planning, etc. Not anymore. We timed, planned, did every thing by the book. Nope. So, here's the question. Why? Why was it so easy the first time and so hard this time? Are we destined to be one and done? Is there some reason only fate knows why we shouldn't have a baby right now? or the one that's really getting to me... Did AJ break me? This is the one that makes me tear up. I keep thinking that if I'm now broken, it may have been due to something I could have done better while laboring. My cousin's daughter broke her. She was never able to carry a full term pregnancy again, and this thought terrifies me. If this is the case, we're done. I don't want to go through what she did with multiple miscarriages and one horrible premature delivery ending in her son's death.

I know I should just go to my doctor and have them check things out. Ease my fears. I can't bring myself to do it though. I'm not ready to face the possibility of having my worst fear confirmed.