Driving home from work today I realized, I completely forgot about the due date of the baby we lost. If that pregnancy would have lasted, and the baby came on that date, I would have a one-week old today. It's odd to think about. That baby and loss are in my mind often, but honestly, I never think of when that baby "should have been born". I then feel guilt for not being over emotional on the day that baby would have been due, especially when I hear about others dealing with the grief of the EDD that wasn't.
Right after the loss, I figured that date would be etched in my mind. I thought I would spend the next nine months re-living what would have been. Maybe it's because I got pregnant so quickly after, that the "what if" feeling didn't last that long? Maybe, but I'm not so sure.
After the loss, since it was complete at home, I felt that the baby was "born" on that date, January 7, 2011. It helped me to heal to think that the baby we never got to know, and I wasn't able to help grow, was born on the date he should have been. I have also come to think that the baby was in fact a "he". That was our son, I'm almost sure of it, if intuition has anything to say about it. If it wasn't, oh well, it helps me to think of it that way. He was born on the 7th of the month, just like AJ, my nephew, and niece.
I guess I think of the EDD as arbitrary (for me, in no way to others), as AJ's EDD. I don't think that "had AJ been born on her EDD, she'd be five days older than she is". I celebrate the date she was actually born. So, if this is my thought process, August 17, 2011 was not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, but I'm pretty sure January 7, 2012 will be much more difficult for me.
Showing posts with label Our Angel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Our Angel. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Last Week
Ok. For my own peace of mind, I need to get out how the whole thing happened. I don't want to forget details as time goes on.
New Years Day brought on the beginning of the end. I was feeling odd all morning. I figured I just ate too much the night before. I didn't want to do anything though. We were supposed to go visit family and celebrate a birthday. We kept pushing it off, saying we'll leave in a bit. Neither M or I really wanted to go. Then, after we had pushed it off for as long as we could, I used the bathroom before heading out. That's when I saw it. Blood. Not spotting, not pink or brown. Blood. Period type blood. I freaked. Thankfully my mother was visiting at the time, and she'd figured we were probably heading for the worst outcome. I asked M to watch AJ while I left. I needed to get away. I needed to greive. We drove around for a while, and finally stopped at a store. I used the restroom and was ready to face more blood. However, there was nothing there. All night I analyzed every cramp and prayed each time I sat on the toilet. I managed to get through the night without any other issues. I started to get hopeful again.
Sunday, still no more blood. However I started to cramp. I was getting sharp cramps, enough to make me pause in whatever I was doing. Again, I figured it was over. By late Sunday night the cramps were accompanied by lots of brown when wiping.
Monday, I was still having brown and pink spotting and right sided cramping. I called the doctor's office. They told me to come right in. I made arrangements for AJ and went in expecting to hear my fears confirmed. I filled my bladder and waited with my breath held while the ultrasound tech started her work on an abdominal scan. She said "Nope, we're going to have to do an internal scan". I said "I kindof figured you wouldn't see anything". She said "I can see the heart. See the flicker right there?" ELATION! My baby was still alive. She moved on to the internal and we got to see the amazing baby, with such a strong heart. she even turned on the microphone part and I heard that fantastic sound. Everything checked out fine. They said I had a small 5mm bleed and that was probably the cause of my bleeding. I was on Cloud 9 all day.
Tuesday brought more brown spotting and cramping, but my baby was healthy, so it couldn't mean anything.
Wednesday, more cramping, more spotting, lots of brown and pink.
Thursday was my regularly scheduled first nurse visit. We sat in an office while she asked me all the questions to get the history accurate. I told her I was still having heavy brown discharge. Sometimes tinged pink and sometimes with red clots in it. She wasn't concerned at all. Said it was okay for now. Unless it's heavy red soaking a pad in an hour, no worries.
Thursday night, I had my period again. I tell my mother, and she mentions how she had brown bleeding through out the entire pregnancy with me. Lots of women in my family bleed when pregnant with their daughters. I didn't do it with AJ, but maybe I'm just wierder than my family and bleed with boys? Who knows. Thursday night the cramps intensify a bit. Also, I remember thinking at one point that my abdomen felt hot. I didn't know why at the time, but I remember thinking it odd.
Friday morning, I wake to another period style bleed. I ignore it as being normal for the family and go to work. I have off and on red/brown/pink discharge. Still no huge amounts, but it's always there. I get so nervous that I order a doppler online. If this baby is going to freak me out so often, I want to hear the heart whenever I want.
Friday night, I feel blue and go to bed early. I remember thinking how I shouldn't still be comfortable laying flat on my stomach. I knew something was up. I prayed to God to give me an answer one way or the other. At 9:30PM I feel hot in the abdomen again, and know I need to go to the bathroom. Once I sit down, I feel a gush and look at the mess. It's officially over. All the ups and downs, all the waiting, breath holding, excitment, worry. It's done. I clean myself up and look. I see the sac, and as gross as it is, I picked it up. I got to hold my baby long enough to say "goodbye". My tiny angel who fit between the tips of my fingers is gone.
I walk past the living room and look at M playing a videogame. I tell him it's officially over. He asks how I know, and I tell him I just saw our baby. It's over. I crawl into bed.
He followed, and held me while I cried. I think he cried too.
After having a cry together, I needed to be alone. I brought my laptop and a box of tissues to the couch and sat in front of the TV. I knew sleep wouldn't come that night, so I wanted so many electronic distractions I wouldn't have to think. I was incredibly upset that no Golden Girls marathon was on, but did manage to find some other mindless shows. I went to my group of internet friends, my June Girls, and informed them of the loss. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers and support by them. I even spent part of the night messaging with one of them. I had never talked to her before on a one-on-one basis, but it helped so much to talk to someone who had experienced this loss. Even if we were talking at 11PM, when no one else was up. Even better that I didn't have to actually talk, I could type, so no getting choked up. I looked up loss websites, quotes, prayers and started thinking about how to add our baby to the family tattoo I plan on getting when we're done having kids. I slept however long The Money Pit is, because I know I put it on, but don't think I saw any of it. I also almost ordered the Salad Chef. Thankfully getting my wallet required too much effort.
Saturday I spent the day with AJ and my mother. I cried a lot, but it was ok. I started letting people know of the loss by text or email. I was even able to sleep some that night.
Sunday, I had a realization. I had a baby, and that baby was born on 1/7/11. Why is this important? My nephew was born on 9/7, my niece was born on 6/7, my daughter was born on 8/7 and the baby we never got to meet was born on 1/7. To me, it makes this baby not a fluke of genetics, not a mistake, but a part of the family. A really tiny, but truly amazing part of the family who will always be remembered.
New Years Day brought on the beginning of the end. I was feeling odd all morning. I figured I just ate too much the night before. I didn't want to do anything though. We were supposed to go visit family and celebrate a birthday. We kept pushing it off, saying we'll leave in a bit. Neither M or I really wanted to go. Then, after we had pushed it off for as long as we could, I used the bathroom before heading out. That's when I saw it. Blood. Not spotting, not pink or brown. Blood. Period type blood. I freaked. Thankfully my mother was visiting at the time, and she'd figured we were probably heading for the worst outcome. I asked M to watch AJ while I left. I needed to get away. I needed to greive. We drove around for a while, and finally stopped at a store. I used the restroom and was ready to face more blood. However, there was nothing there. All night I analyzed every cramp and prayed each time I sat on the toilet. I managed to get through the night without any other issues. I started to get hopeful again.
Sunday, still no more blood. However I started to cramp. I was getting sharp cramps, enough to make me pause in whatever I was doing. Again, I figured it was over. By late Sunday night the cramps were accompanied by lots of brown when wiping.
Monday, I was still having brown and pink spotting and right sided cramping. I called the doctor's office. They told me to come right in. I made arrangements for AJ and went in expecting to hear my fears confirmed. I filled my bladder and waited with my breath held while the ultrasound tech started her work on an abdominal scan. She said "Nope, we're going to have to do an internal scan". I said "I kindof figured you wouldn't see anything". She said "I can see the heart. See the flicker right there?" ELATION! My baby was still alive. She moved on to the internal and we got to see the amazing baby, with such a strong heart. she even turned on the microphone part and I heard that fantastic sound. Everything checked out fine. They said I had a small 5mm bleed and that was probably the cause of my bleeding. I was on Cloud 9 all day.
Tuesday brought more brown spotting and cramping, but my baby was healthy, so it couldn't mean anything.
Wednesday, more cramping, more spotting, lots of brown and pink.
Thursday was my regularly scheduled first nurse visit. We sat in an office while she asked me all the questions to get the history accurate. I told her I was still having heavy brown discharge. Sometimes tinged pink and sometimes with red clots in it. She wasn't concerned at all. Said it was okay for now. Unless it's heavy red soaking a pad in an hour, no worries.
Thursday night, I had my period again. I tell my mother, and she mentions how she had brown bleeding through out the entire pregnancy with me. Lots of women in my family bleed when pregnant with their daughters. I didn't do it with AJ, but maybe I'm just wierder than my family and bleed with boys? Who knows. Thursday night the cramps intensify a bit. Also, I remember thinking at one point that my abdomen felt hot. I didn't know why at the time, but I remember thinking it odd.
Friday morning, I wake to another period style bleed. I ignore it as being normal for the family and go to work. I have off and on red/brown/pink discharge. Still no huge amounts, but it's always there. I get so nervous that I order a doppler online. If this baby is going to freak me out so often, I want to hear the heart whenever I want.
Friday night, I feel blue and go to bed early. I remember thinking how I shouldn't still be comfortable laying flat on my stomach. I knew something was up. I prayed to God to give me an answer one way or the other. At 9:30PM I feel hot in the abdomen again, and know I need to go to the bathroom. Once I sit down, I feel a gush and look at the mess. It's officially over. All the ups and downs, all the waiting, breath holding, excitment, worry. It's done. I clean myself up and look. I see the sac, and as gross as it is, I picked it up. I got to hold my baby long enough to say "goodbye". My tiny angel who fit between the tips of my fingers is gone.
I walk past the living room and look at M playing a videogame. I tell him it's officially over. He asks how I know, and I tell him I just saw our baby. It's over. I crawl into bed.
He followed, and held me while I cried. I think he cried too.
After having a cry together, I needed to be alone. I brought my laptop and a box of tissues to the couch and sat in front of the TV. I knew sleep wouldn't come that night, so I wanted so many electronic distractions I wouldn't have to think. I was incredibly upset that no Golden Girls marathon was on, but did manage to find some other mindless shows. I went to my group of internet friends, my June Girls, and informed them of the loss. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers and support by them. I even spent part of the night messaging with one of them. I had never talked to her before on a one-on-one basis, but it helped so much to talk to someone who had experienced this loss. Even if we were talking at 11PM, when no one else was up. Even better that I didn't have to actually talk, I could type, so no getting choked up. I looked up loss websites, quotes, prayers and started thinking about how to add our baby to the family tattoo I plan on getting when we're done having kids. I slept however long The Money Pit is, because I know I put it on, but don't think I saw any of it. I also almost ordered the Salad Chef. Thankfully getting my wallet required too much effort.
Saturday I spent the day with AJ and my mother. I cried a lot, but it was ok. I started letting people know of the loss by text or email. I was even able to sleep some that night.
Sunday, I had a realization. I had a baby, and that baby was born on 1/7/11. Why is this important? My nephew was born on 9/7, my niece was born on 6/7, my daughter was born on 8/7 and the baby we never got to meet was born on 1/7. To me, it makes this baby not a fluke of genetics, not a mistake, but a part of the family. A really tiny, but truly amazing part of the family who will always be remembered.
Complete and Total
The ultrasound tech cheerily informed me today that my ute is completely empty. She was actually somewhat excited about it. Excuse me if I don't jump up and down doing a happy dance because there is absolutely no evidence left of the baby I saw just last week. I know it's good for a miscarriage to be complete and total. That means I don't need meds to help my body flush out tissue. I don't need a Dusting & Cleaning as my family calls it. For my body, it's over. Now I just have to deal with the emotions. However, she really had some nerve to be happy about it. I wanted to smack her across the face with the internal wand.
Don't Blink
One week later... I re-read my post from last Monday. It took a while for me to be able to do that. I remember how happy and relieved I was. I saw a strong heartbeat. My fears that the baby wasn't meant to be were eased. I was given the green light that all was okay. The rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows was going to be over.
Well, it's Monday. I am again set up for another emergency ultrasound. However, I know this one won't be as happy as the last one. This time I refuse to look. I can't handle seeing an empy screen where my strong healthy baby was just one short week ago.
Well, it's Monday. I am again set up for another emergency ultrasound. However, I know this one won't be as happy as the last one. This time I refuse to look. I can't handle seeing an empy screen where my strong healthy baby was just one short week ago.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Maternity Monday
I stole this list from a friend, Tiffany, over at Simply Tiffany. I love how she was able to keep track of her progress weekly and the list is very comprehensive. Hopefully I can keep it up.
How Far Along: 7w5d
Total Weight Gain: I don't want to know, especially since I've been craving Whoppers for breakfast lately. I put my scale in the closet and hope not to see it again until about two weeks after this baby is born. I have a nurse appointment on Thursday and will get my weight checked then.
Maternity Clothes: I'm starting to get too big for my regular clothes due to bloat. I'll be bringing my tote of maternity clothes down from the attic soon I'm sure.
Sleep: Not a whole lot, but that has more to do with AJ than the baby. Ugh! Hopefully she figures out how to sleep more regularly before this baby comes. Otherwise I have my work cut out for me.
Cravings or Aversions: I want Whoppers for breakfast and nothing for dinner. I HATED Whoppers 5 weeks ago.
Best Moment This Week: The ultrasound today. I went in thinking I lost the baby, and I got to hear an amazing 145bpm heartrate, and see the cutest flicker ever.
Movement: Definitely not yet, only gas movement for now.
Gender: I'm thinking girl at the moment
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Wanting to eat dinner
What I'm Looking Forward to: Nurse visit on Thursday.
Weekly Wisdom: Be sure to love your doctor's office. They're going to be with you for a long time.
Milestones: First scare with good results.
What the baby is up to: Week 5 - Baby: Your embryo still hasn't grown much. It's about 0.05 inches long. Heart, brain, spinal cord, muscle and bones are beginning to develop. The placenta, which will nourish your baby, and the amniotic sac, which provides a warm and safe environment where the baby can move easily, are still forming, too.
How Far Along: 7w5d
Total Weight Gain: I don't want to know, especially since I've been craving Whoppers for breakfast lately. I put my scale in the closet and hope not to see it again until about two weeks after this baby is born. I have a nurse appointment on Thursday and will get my weight checked then.
Maternity Clothes: I'm starting to get too big for my regular clothes due to bloat. I'll be bringing my tote of maternity clothes down from the attic soon I'm sure.
Sleep: Not a whole lot, but that has more to do with AJ than the baby. Ugh! Hopefully she figures out how to sleep more regularly before this baby comes. Otherwise I have my work cut out for me.
Cravings or Aversions: I want Whoppers for breakfast and nothing for dinner. I HATED Whoppers 5 weeks ago.
Best Moment This Week: The ultrasound today. I went in thinking I lost the baby, and I got to hear an amazing 145bpm heartrate, and see the cutest flicker ever.
Movement: Definitely not yet, only gas movement for now.
Gender: I'm thinking girl at the moment
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Wanting to eat dinner
What I'm Looking Forward to: Nurse visit on Thursday.
Weekly Wisdom: Be sure to love your doctor's office. They're going to be with you for a long time.
Milestones: First scare with good results.
What the baby is up to: Week 5 - Baby: Your embryo still hasn't grown much. It's about 0.05 inches long. Heart, brain, spinal cord, muscle and bones are beginning to develop. The placenta, which will nourish your baby, and the amniotic sac, which provides a warm and safe environment where the baby can move easily, are still forming, too.
Deja Vu all over again
Well, it looks like the 8th time was the charm.
EDD 8/17/11
I didn't want to post this too soon, as I've feared this wouldn't be our take home baby. I'm not sure why I felt like that, but until today, when I had confirmation of a healthy baby, I haven't been sure this would be for real.
So, now that I'm pretty sure this is it, I'll try to get to posting more frequently so I can document this pregnancy, unlike poor AJ who was shafted in the blogosphere.
I wasn't supposed to have an u/s this soon. However, on New Years day, I bled, red. I had sharp cramps on Sunday and with very few pregnancy symptoms, I feared the worst. Thankfully the doctor office got me right in for a check. There it was the most amazing 145bpm I've ever heard (at least since AJ's 7w u/s). Funny thing huh, I had a dating u/s with AJ. I wasn't sure when the last period was, so they brought me in for a dating u/s at 7w 4d. I had a viability u/s with this one at 7w5d.
Lots of similarities, lots of differences. I can't wait to get this journey going.
I didn't want to post this too soon, as I've feared this wouldn't be our take home baby. I'm not sure why I felt like that, but until today, when I had confirmation of a healthy baby, I haven't been sure this would be for real.
So, now that I'm pretty sure this is it, I'll try to get to posting more frequently so I can document this pregnancy, unlike poor AJ who was shafted in the blogosphere.
I wasn't supposed to have an u/s this soon. However, on New Years day, I bled, red. I had sharp cramps on Sunday and with very few pregnancy symptoms, I feared the worst. Thankfully the doctor office got me right in for a check. There it was the most amazing 145bpm I've ever heard (at least since AJ's 7w u/s). Funny thing huh, I had a dating u/s with AJ. I wasn't sure when the last period was, so they brought me in for a dating u/s at 7w 4d. I had a viability u/s with this one at 7w5d.
Lots of similarities, lots of differences. I can't wait to get this journey going.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Lucky No. 7?
And another one down, and another one down, and another one bites the dust. Cycle 7 of attempting to make AJ a big sister = FAIL
Do I get to complain? I don't think so. I should, and do, feel extremely blessed to have a healthy happy little girl. She's amazing, wonderful and the best part of my life right now. I feel greedy for being bummed when AF rears her ugly head. How can I feel entitled to another miracle? Who can I complain to? Most people have issues with conceiving their first and it's smooth sailing after that. They don't know how it feels to know everything did work, but it's not now. Then there are those who have struggled with conceiving. I have no right to speak with them as I do have a baby. I have no reason to complain.
But still, this morning, while getting all my supplies ready for a day at the office with the great Aunt visting, I wanted to cry. So, instead of crying, I yelled, at M, for nothing. It's not his fault, but still. He was there, so he got the attack. I forgot that it's not all about me. He wants another baby just as much as I do.
Now the question starts to creep in. Before, I could just say, well we didn't time it right, we weren't really planning, etc. Not anymore. We timed, planned, did every thing by the book. Nope. So, here's the question. Why? Why was it so easy the first time and so hard this time? Are we destined to be one and done? Is there some reason only fate knows why we shouldn't have a baby right now? or the one that's really getting to me... Did AJ break me? This is the one that makes me tear up. I keep thinking that if I'm now broken, it may have been due to something I could have done better while laboring. My cousin's daughter broke her. She was never able to carry a full term pregnancy again, and this thought terrifies me. If this is the case, we're done. I don't want to go through what she did with multiple miscarriages and one horrible premature delivery ending in her son's death.
I know I should just go to my doctor and have them check things out. Ease my fears. I can't bring myself to do it though. I'm not ready to face the possibility of having my worst fear confirmed.
Do I get to complain? I don't think so. I should, and do, feel extremely blessed to have a healthy happy little girl. She's amazing, wonderful and the best part of my life right now. I feel greedy for being bummed when AF rears her ugly head. How can I feel entitled to another miracle? Who can I complain to? Most people have issues with conceiving their first and it's smooth sailing after that. They don't know how it feels to know everything did work, but it's not now. Then there are those who have struggled with conceiving. I have no right to speak with them as I do have a baby. I have no reason to complain.
But still, this morning, while getting all my supplies ready for a day at the office with the great Aunt visting, I wanted to cry. So, instead of crying, I yelled, at M, for nothing. It's not his fault, but still. He was there, so he got the attack. I forgot that it's not all about me. He wants another baby just as much as I do.
Now the question starts to creep in. Before, I could just say, well we didn't time it right, we weren't really planning, etc. Not anymore. We timed, planned, did every thing by the book. Nope. So, here's the question. Why? Why was it so easy the first time and so hard this time? Are we destined to be one and done? Is there some reason only fate knows why we shouldn't have a baby right now? or the one that's really getting to me... Did AJ break me? This is the one that makes me tear up. I keep thinking that if I'm now broken, it may have been due to something I could have done better while laboring. My cousin's daughter broke her. She was never able to carry a full term pregnancy again, and this thought terrifies me. If this is the case, we're done. I don't want to go through what she did with multiple miscarriages and one horrible premature delivery ending in her son's death.
I know I should just go to my doctor and have them check things out. Ease my fears. I can't bring myself to do it though. I'm not ready to face the possibility of having my worst fear confirmed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)