August 17, 2011

Driving home from work today I realized, I completely forgot about the due date of the baby we lost. If that pregnancy would have lasted, and the baby came on that date, I would have a one-week old today. It's odd to think about. That baby and loss are in my mind often, but honestly, I never think of when that baby "should have been born". I then feel guilt for not being over emotional on the day that baby would have been due, especially when I hear about others dealing with the grief of the EDD that wasn't.

Right after the loss, I figured that date would be etched in my mind. I thought I would spend the next nine months re-living what would have been. Maybe it's because I got pregnant so quickly after, that the "what if" feeling didn't last that long? Maybe, but I'm not so sure.

After the loss, since it was complete at home, I felt that the baby was "born" on that date, January 7, 2011. It helped me to heal to think that the baby we never got to know, and I wasn't able to help grow, was born on the date he should have been. I have also come to think that the baby was in fact a "he". That was our son, I'm almost sure of it, if intuition has anything to say about it. If it wasn't, oh well, it helps me to think of it that way. He was born on the 7th of the month, just like AJ, my nephew, and niece.

I guess I think of the EDD as arbitrary (for me, in no way to others), as AJ's EDD. I don't think that "had AJ been born on her EDD, she'd be five days older than she is". I celebrate the date she was actually born. So, if this is my thought process, August 17, 2011 was not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, but I'm pretty sure January 7, 2012 will be much more difficult for me.