How is it that a soul, tormented in this life, unable to find strength enough to make it even one more day, is then subjected to an eternity of more judgment and pain?
The Catholic Church will not hold a service for a person who took his/her own life. They call it a sin to take the life God gave. That soul is not allowed to Heaven, and the family is doubly punished by not being able to grieve the loss, or celebrate the life, of the tourtured soul in their own house of worship. A person who believes their life is worthless is then validated in that assumption by the Church turning their back after the loss of strength. Thus making what the disturbed soul thought of their life come to fruition by the lack of respect, love and kindness so touted by the Church. How is this not a slap in the face to the family and soul of the departed?
How am I to believe that Jesus, so sheathed in love and kindness, turns his back on one suffering to the ultimate extent. A person was unable to seek the strength of faith, the strength to overcome the obsticles put in front of him, the strength to go on, and now, after death, I'm supposed to believe (thanks to the Catholic belief) that he shows up in front of Jesus and Jesus turns away? Does this poor soul not need more love, more kindness, more patience than others?
What about the family of the departed? The mother of the "condemned soul" is not allowed to go into her "faith family" and pay a final respect to her son? She is told her son is the ultimate sinner for taking his life. How does this show Jesus' love? Does she not have enough guilt for not helping her own flesh and blood before it became too late, now she has Jesus frowning at her as well?
These are the questions I will be pondering as I celebrate the life, and mourn the loss of my cousin, while sitting in the chapel of a funeral home tomorrow. May he now find the strength and love he was unable to accept in this life.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
The Sleep Wars, part 4
We were on a roll. We had a routine that, although not ideal, was working and we were all sleeping.
DAMN YOU, TWO YEAR MOLARS!!!
AJ fell asleep at 9, woke up at 9:30 screaming. She was screaming for her blanket (which was on her), screaming for her doggie (which she was laying on), screaming for her milk (which she was holding). Just plain screaming, then she fell asleep again. Restless, whimpering sleep when she is sleeping, screaming when she's not. Oh what fun.
Now for coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I'm sorry baby Cori for any jolt you may get from my caffine consumption today, but it's the only way to make it through work. So tired, I was already half out of the house when M reminded me putting shoes on would be a good idea. Days like this make me happy I don't have a really important job.
DAMN YOU, TWO YEAR MOLARS!!!
AJ fell asleep at 9, woke up at 9:30 screaming. She was screaming for her blanket (which was on her), screaming for her doggie (which she was laying on), screaming for her milk (which she was holding). Just plain screaming, then she fell asleep again. Restless, whimpering sleep when she is sleeping, screaming when she's not. Oh what fun.
Now for coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I'm sorry baby Cori for any jolt you may get from my caffine consumption today, but it's the only way to make it through work. So tired, I was already half out of the house when M reminded me putting shoes on would be a good idea. Days like this make me happy I don't have a really important job.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
HDBD
How Far Along: 23w
Total Weight Gain: I don't weigh myself between appointments. It's way too scary.
Maternity Clothes: I need to go shopping. Thankfully the change in weather is on it's way, and I realized I only have one pair of jeans and one long sleeve top. Not quite enough to get me through December.
Sleep: M is jealous that my body pillow is getting more action than he is.
Cravings or Aversions: Nothing really
Best Moment This Week: M and my get away
Movement: I think M is teaching her karate moves while I sleep, because that girl can kick my bladder like a ninja
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In, but at night, it's the wierd mix. I'm hoping to not have the turkey timer this time around either.
What I miss: Nothing at the moment
What I'm Looking Forward to: Another OB appointment Monday. I get to ask some questions I've thought of based on my want to go natural in the highest c-section rate hospital in the state
Weekly Wisdom: I'm not feeling very wise this week
Milestones: I snissed this morning for the first time ever. Gah!
What the baby is up to:
At 23 weeks, baby’s really getting ready for her big debut, listening in on what’s going on in the outside world. And you’re getting ready too. Just remember: While having the nursery painted and stocking it with diapers is important, there are some other pressing things you should have on your radar. Namely, financials. Around week 23 is a good time to call your and your partner’s insurance agent to check how you’re currently covered and decide what adjustments you’ll want to make for baby. You might also want to start thinking about writing a will, if you don’t have one, or updating your current one. How’s baby’s savings account going? If you’re like, “what savings account?” that’s okay. But decide whether or not you want to start one for her. One study found that kids who have their own savings account are more likely to go to college, and another one estimated the average cost of raising a baby until age 18 to be over $226,000. Whoa!
Total Weight Gain: I don't weigh myself between appointments. It's way too scary.
Maternity Clothes: I need to go shopping. Thankfully the change in weather is on it's way, and I realized I only have one pair of jeans and one long sleeve top. Not quite enough to get me through December.
Sleep: M is jealous that my body pillow is getting more action than he is.
Cravings or Aversions: Nothing really
Best Moment This Week: M and my get away
Movement: I think M is teaching her karate moves while I sleep, because that girl can kick my bladder like a ninja
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In, but at night, it's the wierd mix. I'm hoping to not have the turkey timer this time around either.
What I miss: Nothing at the moment
What I'm Looking Forward to: Another OB appointment Monday. I get to ask some questions I've thought of based on my want to go natural in the highest c-section rate hospital in the state
Weekly Wisdom: I'm not feeling very wise this week
Milestones: I snissed this morning for the first time ever. Gah!
What the baby is up to:
At 23 weeks, baby’s really getting ready for her big debut, listening in on what’s going on in the outside world. And you’re getting ready too. Just remember: While having the nursery painted and stocking it with diapers is important, there are some other pressing things you should have on your radar. Namely, financials. Around week 23 is a good time to call your and your partner’s insurance agent to check how you’re currently covered and decide what adjustments you’ll want to make for baby. You might also want to start thinking about writing a will, if you don’t have one, or updating your current one. How’s baby’s savings account going? If you’re like, “what savings account?” that’s okay. But decide whether or not you want to start one for her. One study found that kids who have their own savings account are more likely to go to college, and another one estimated the average cost of raising a baby until age 18 to be over $226,000. Whoa!
your baby's the size of a papaya!
At about 10.5 to 11.8 inches and about 12.7 to 20.8 ounces, baby's not just getting bigger, she's getting even cuter.
your baby at 23 weeks
- She's forming little nipples (yeah, really!)
- Her face is fully formed now -- she just needs a little extra fat to fill it out.
- She's listening to your voice and your heartbeat -- and even to loud sounds like cars honking and dogs barking.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
August 17, 2011
Driving home from work today I realized, I completely forgot about the due date of the baby we lost. If that pregnancy would have lasted, and the baby came on that date, I would have a one-week old today. It's odd to think about. That baby and loss are in my mind often, but honestly, I never think of when that baby "should have been born". I then feel guilt for not being over emotional on the day that baby would have been due, especially when I hear about others dealing with the grief of the EDD that wasn't.
Right after the loss, I figured that date would be etched in my mind. I thought I would spend the next nine months re-living what would have been. Maybe it's because I got pregnant so quickly after, that the "what if" feeling didn't last that long? Maybe, but I'm not so sure.
After the loss, since it was complete at home, I felt that the baby was "born" on that date, January 7, 2011. It helped me to heal to think that the baby we never got to know, and I wasn't able to help grow, was born on the date he should have been. I have also come to think that the baby was in fact a "he". That was our son, I'm almost sure of it, if intuition has anything to say about it. If it wasn't, oh well, it helps me to think of it that way. He was born on the 7th of the month, just like AJ, my nephew, and niece.
I guess I think of the EDD as arbitrary (for me, in no way to others), as AJ's EDD. I don't think that "had AJ been born on her EDD, she'd be five days older than she is". I celebrate the date she was actually born. So, if this is my thought process, August 17, 2011 was not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, but I'm pretty sure January 7, 2012 will be much more difficult for me.
Right after the loss, I figured that date would be etched in my mind. I thought I would spend the next nine months re-living what would have been. Maybe it's because I got pregnant so quickly after, that the "what if" feeling didn't last that long? Maybe, but I'm not so sure.
After the loss, since it was complete at home, I felt that the baby was "born" on that date, January 7, 2011. It helped me to heal to think that the baby we never got to know, and I wasn't able to help grow, was born on the date he should have been. I have also come to think that the baby was in fact a "he". That was our son, I'm almost sure of it, if intuition has anything to say about it. If it wasn't, oh well, it helps me to think of it that way. He was born on the 7th of the month, just like AJ, my nephew, and niece.
I guess I think of the EDD as arbitrary (for me, in no way to others), as AJ's EDD. I don't think that "had AJ been born on her EDD, she'd be five days older than she is". I celebrate the date she was actually born. So, if this is my thought process, August 17, 2011 was not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, but I'm pretty sure January 7, 2012 will be much more difficult for me.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Baby-moon
Gah! I hate that term. I guess that's what it was though.
Friday, M surprises me by telling me he made arrangements for my mother to watch AJ Saturday and Sunday, and he booked a hotel for us, so we're getting away. He wasn't going to tell me until Saturday, but thankfully my mother stepped in, and reminded him (again) how I hate surprises. It was a very thoughtful gesture though.
So, Saturday morning we packed up and headed up to the mountains. We did some shopping at the outlets, which are fantastic. I picked up some needed clothes for the new baby, a fleece one piece, 3 pairs of socks and a pair of pants for $15. Yay! M found a new pair of Adidas running sneakers, final price $15! Woot! Unfortunately I couldn't find anything either AJ or I really needed, so we were out of luck in the shopping department.
After the outlets, and dodging the downpours that spouted up from no where (it was still sunny, but pouring), we headed down the long road to the hotel to see if we could find anything interesting on the ride. Since we had only had breakfast and it was now 3PM, we decided an early dinner would be a good plan. We came across a wood grille restaurant and it was fantastic. We had fantastic dinners, M enjoyed a local brew and we both scorched our mouths on the dessert that was heated up in that wood grill. Ouch!
Check in at the hotel didn't go as amazingly. Apparently hotels.com never forwarded the info for our reservation, and the resort stopped taking reservations 4 days earlier. Thankfully the lady said we could upgrade to a penthouse free of charge. So, we head up the mountain to the room. And up the mountain it is. What an amazing view though
We noticed the room only had 10 channels, and decided to head back to town to find something do to for the night. What can two parents without kids do to spend an evening? Mini-golf of course. It was a blast. We threw out the score card before the first hole, and just had fun. After, we went back to the resort and checked things out, they were doing karaoke near the main clubhouse, and that was painfully bad. I still have Beiber stuck in my head, and being attempted by a scared 10 year old made it that much worse. The game room had pool, so we tried our luck with that. Turns out pool is not my game. Although I still believe I should get super genius points for actually trying to play correctly and not getting a single ball in any hole for 20 minutes. It should be like that jump a peg game and extra points given for leaving so many pegs without a move to be made. Eh, someday I'll find a game I'm not horrible at.
A dip in the pool, then back to the room for TV and bed. It was a long day.
Of course, I'm in a quiet room, AC cranked, no kid and I wake up at 5:30AM. Ugh! At least I had a good sunrise to watch
I wake M up at 6:30, because I'm bored, it's cold out on the deck in just shorts and a tank top, (didn't expect to need warmer clothing). Well, we get ready for the day, I go to the slider to lock up the deck and see this
We looked for the Mama, but she must have crossed before we were looking. It was really amazing to see this. We checked out of the hotel, and went to breakfast before our planned hike in the woods.
I've been up in the mountains a lot in my life, but not for hiking very often. Mainly it's just for shopping. I was determined to get my round self into the beautiful area we were in and enjoy it, without a wallet.
We found some easy trails and walked a good 4-5 miles,
watched some rock climbers
and just enjoyed the morning.
Such a great weekend away.
Friday, M surprises me by telling me he made arrangements for my mother to watch AJ Saturday and Sunday, and he booked a hotel for us, so we're getting away. He wasn't going to tell me until Saturday, but thankfully my mother stepped in, and reminded him (again) how I hate surprises. It was a very thoughtful gesture though.
So, Saturday morning we packed up and headed up to the mountains. We did some shopping at the outlets, which are fantastic. I picked up some needed clothes for the new baby, a fleece one piece, 3 pairs of socks and a pair of pants for $15. Yay! M found a new pair of Adidas running sneakers, final price $15! Woot! Unfortunately I couldn't find anything either AJ or I really needed, so we were out of luck in the shopping department.
After the outlets, and dodging the downpours that spouted up from no where (it was still sunny, but pouring), we headed down the long road to the hotel to see if we could find anything interesting on the ride. Since we had only had breakfast and it was now 3PM, we decided an early dinner would be a good plan. We came across a wood grille restaurant and it was fantastic. We had fantastic dinners, M enjoyed a local brew and we both scorched our mouths on the dessert that was heated up in that wood grill. Ouch!
Check in at the hotel didn't go as amazingly. Apparently hotels.com never forwarded the info for our reservation, and the resort stopped taking reservations 4 days earlier. Thankfully the lady said we could upgrade to a penthouse free of charge. So, we head up the mountain to the room. And up the mountain it is. What an amazing view though
We noticed the room only had 10 channels, and decided to head back to town to find something do to for the night. What can two parents without kids do to spend an evening? Mini-golf of course. It was a blast. We threw out the score card before the first hole, and just had fun. After, we went back to the resort and checked things out, they were doing karaoke near the main clubhouse, and that was painfully bad. I still have Beiber stuck in my head, and being attempted by a scared 10 year old made it that much worse. The game room had pool, so we tried our luck with that. Turns out pool is not my game. Although I still believe I should get super genius points for actually trying to play correctly and not getting a single ball in any hole for 20 minutes. It should be like that jump a peg game and extra points given for leaving so many pegs without a move to be made. Eh, someday I'll find a game I'm not horrible at.
A dip in the pool, then back to the room for TV and bed. It was a long day.
Of course, I'm in a quiet room, AC cranked, no kid and I wake up at 5:30AM. Ugh! At least I had a good sunrise to watch
I wake M up at 6:30, because I'm bored, it's cold out on the deck in just shorts and a tank top, (didn't expect to need warmer clothing). Well, we get ready for the day, I go to the slider to lock up the deck and see this
We looked for the Mama, but she must have crossed before we were looking. It was really amazing to see this. We checked out of the hotel, and went to breakfast before our planned hike in the woods.
I've been up in the mountains a lot in my life, but not for hiking very often. Mainly it's just for shopping. I was determined to get my round self into the beautiful area we were in and enjoy it, without a wallet.
We found some easy trails and walked a good 4-5 miles,
watched some rock climbers
and just enjoyed the morning.
Such a great weekend away.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Banana muffins
In my plan of baking I realize a huge error on my part, I have almost a cup of sugar and absolutely no butter in the house. Hmmm, well, that makes things interesting.
When my obvious recipes fail me, I go to allrecipes.com. There's always someone else there who had to alter a recipe to work with their ingredients or taste preferances. Thankfully, I found something I could work with. Sarah's Banana Bread Muffins
For the changes, I put in all four bananas, because, really, what am I going to do with one overripe banana? Also, has anyone eating a banana baked good ever complained that it was too banana-y? I'm getting a little tired of typing banana, and I have Gwen Stefani sining in my head now.
Ok, so all the fruit is in, since there is extra, I switch one cup of AP flour for whole wheat. Now it's a healthy baked good, which makes it better when I eat more. I also added some cinnamon. I like baking with cinamon, it makes me happy, and feels like fall, even when the house is 85 degrees.
The ones hot out of the oven tasted great. All soft muffin-y. This morning I had one straight off the counter, without heating, and it was a bit dry for my liking. Maybe it was the whole wheat flour, or maybe it was just telling me next time to buy more butter for smearing.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Hump Day Bump Day
How Far Along: 22w
Total Weight Gain: I don't weigh myself between appointments. It's way too scary.
Maternity Clothes: Yep
Sleep: Okay, it's starting to get a bit uncomfortable though.
Cravings or Aversions: Nothing really
Best Moment This Week: The constant movement, and finaly feeling comfortable calling her by name occasionally.
Movement: Yep, she's a mover, and on my bladder. Fun times.
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In, but at night, it's the wierd mix. I'm hoping to not have the turkey timer this time around either.
What I miss: Nothing at the moment
What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm in the happy time right now, not too uncomfortable yet, not sick anymore. It's all good.
Weekly Wisdom: "Only people whom you trust completely, who approve of your birth plan and who you don't mind seeing you nake should be present at the birth." - Your Best Birth
I'm leaving this one for now. I'm still trying to figure this part out.
Milestones: Ummm
What the baby is up to:
During week 22, baby is invading your space, which is why it might be tough to catch your breath and why your back might be killing you. Hey, as she grows, she may be expanding your belly so much (so fast) that you might have some stretch marks -- and you might even have a newfound “outtieâ€! What's not so cool is that the stretch marks may never fade, but we promise they'll fade in color after delivery. And your outtie will go back to an innie, we promise. As for sex, all these body changes, along with another fun one -- discharge! -- might be messing with your mojo, but some moms-to-be actually find they have an increase in libido around 22 weeks. That's because your hormones are pretty much raging at this point. This is also a good time to schedule a maternity portrait session. You'll want to aim for the third trimester -- but not so late that you risk going into labor before your appointment.
your baby's the size of a papaya!
During month five, the average fetus measures about 10.5 to 11.8 inches and weighs about 12.7 to 20.8 ounces.
your baby at 22 weeks
Now that he's got more developed eyes and lips, he's looking even more like a newborn.
He's sleeping in cycles -- about 12 to 14 hours per day (hint: they're probably those times you're not feeling any kicks!).
Total Weight Gain: I don't weigh myself between appointments. It's way too scary.
Maternity Clothes: Yep
Sleep: Okay, it's starting to get a bit uncomfortable though.
Cravings or Aversions: Nothing really
Best Moment This Week: The constant movement, and finaly feeling comfortable calling her by name occasionally.
Movement: Yep, she's a mover, and on my bladder. Fun times.
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: Please no.
Belly Button in or out: In, but at night, it's the wierd mix. I'm hoping to not have the turkey timer this time around either.
What I miss: Nothing at the moment
What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm in the happy time right now, not too uncomfortable yet, not sick anymore. It's all good.
Weekly Wisdom: "Only people whom you trust completely, who approve of your birth plan and who you don't mind seeing you nake should be present at the birth." - Your Best Birth
I'm leaving this one for now. I'm still trying to figure this part out.
Milestones: Ummm
What the baby is up to:
During week 22, baby is invading your space, which is why it might be tough to catch your breath and why your back might be killing you. Hey, as she grows, she may be expanding your belly so much (so fast) that you might have some stretch marks -- and you might even have a newfound “outtieâ€! What's not so cool is that the stretch marks may never fade, but we promise they'll fade in color after delivery. And your outtie will go back to an innie, we promise. As for sex, all these body changes, along with another fun one -- discharge! -- might be messing with your mojo, but some moms-to-be actually find they have an increase in libido around 22 weeks. That's because your hormones are pretty much raging at this point. This is also a good time to schedule a maternity portrait session. You'll want to aim for the third trimester -- but not so late that you risk going into labor before your appointment.
During month five, the average fetus measures about 10.5 to 11.8 inches and weighs about 12.7 to 20.8 ounces.
your baby at 22 weeks
He's sleeping in cycles -- about 12 to 14 hours per day (hint: they're probably those times you're not feeling any kicks!).
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