The Last Week

Ok. For my own peace of mind, I need to get out how the whole thing happened. I don't want to forget details as time goes on.

New Years Day brought on the beginning of the end. I was feeling odd all morning. I figured I just ate too much the night before. I didn't want to do anything though. We were supposed to go visit family and celebrate a birthday. We kept pushing it off, saying we'll leave in a bit. Neither M or I really wanted to go. Then, after we had pushed it off for as long as we could, I used the bathroom before heading out. That's when I saw it. Blood. Not spotting, not pink or brown. Blood. Period type blood. I freaked. Thankfully my mother was visiting at the time, and she'd figured we were probably heading for the worst outcome. I asked M to watch AJ while I left. I needed to get away. I needed to greive. We drove around for a while, and finally stopped at a store. I used the restroom and was ready to face more blood. However, there was nothing there. All night I analyzed every cramp and prayed each time I sat on the toilet. I managed to get through the night without any other issues. I started to get hopeful again.

Sunday, still no more blood. However I started to cramp. I was getting sharp cramps, enough to make me pause in whatever I was doing. Again, I figured it was over. By late Sunday night the cramps were accompanied by lots of brown when wiping.

Monday, I was still having brown and pink spotting and right sided cramping. I called the doctor's office. They told me to come right in. I made arrangements for AJ and went in expecting to hear my fears confirmed. I filled my bladder and waited with my breath held while the ultrasound tech started her work on an abdominal scan. She said "Nope, we're going to have to do an internal scan". I said "I kindof figured you wouldn't see anything". She said "I can see the heart. See the flicker right there?" ELATION! My baby was still alive. She moved on to the internal and we got to see the amazing baby, with such a strong heart. she even turned on the microphone part and I heard that fantastic sound. Everything checked out fine. They said I had a small 5mm bleed and that was probably the cause of my bleeding. I was on Cloud 9 all day.

Tuesday brought more brown spotting and cramping, but my baby was healthy, so it couldn't mean anything.

Wednesday, more cramping, more spotting, lots of brown and pink.

Thursday was my regularly scheduled first nurse visit. We sat in an office while she asked me all the questions to get the history accurate. I told her I was still having heavy brown discharge. Sometimes tinged pink and sometimes with red clots in it. She wasn't concerned at all. Said it was okay for now. Unless it's heavy red soaking a pad in an hour, no worries.

Thursday night, I had my period again. I tell my mother, and she mentions how she had brown bleeding through out the entire pregnancy with me. Lots of women in my family bleed when pregnant with their daughters. I didn't do it with AJ, but maybe I'm just wierder than my family and bleed with boys? Who knows. Thursday night the cramps intensify a bit. Also, I remember thinking at one point that my abdomen felt hot. I didn't know why at the time, but I remember thinking it odd.

Friday morning, I wake to another period style bleed. I ignore it as being normal for the family and go to work. I have off and on red/brown/pink discharge. Still no huge amounts, but it's always there. I get so nervous that I order a doppler online. If this baby is going to freak me out so often, I want to hear the heart whenever I want.

Friday night, I feel blue and go to bed early. I remember thinking how I shouldn't still be comfortable laying flat on my stomach. I knew something was up. I prayed to God to give me an answer one way or the other. At 9:30PM I feel hot in the abdomen again, and know I need to go to the bathroom. Once I sit down, I feel a gush and look at the mess. It's officially over. All the ups and downs, all the waiting, breath holding, excitment, worry. It's done. I clean myself up and look. I see the sac, and as gross as it is, I picked it up. I got to hold my baby long enough to say "goodbye". My tiny angel who fit between the tips of my fingers is gone.

I walk past the living room and look at M playing a videogame. I tell him it's officially over. He asks how I know, and I tell him I just saw our baby. It's over. I crawl into bed.

He followed, and held me while I cried. I think he cried too.

After having a cry together, I needed to be alone. I brought my laptop and a box of tissues to the couch and sat in front of the TV. I knew sleep wouldn't come that night, so I wanted so many electronic distractions I wouldn't have to think. I was incredibly upset that no Golden Girls marathon was on, but did manage to find some other mindless shows. I went to my group of internet friends, my June Girls, and informed them of the loss. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers and support by them. I even spent part of the night messaging with one of them. I had never talked to her before on a one-on-one basis, but it helped so much to talk to someone who had experienced this loss. Even if we were talking at 11PM, when no one else was up. Even better that I didn't have to actually talk, I could type, so no getting choked up. I looked up loss websites, quotes, prayers and started thinking about how to add our baby to the family tattoo I plan on getting when we're done having kids. I slept however long The Money Pit is, because I know I put it on, but don't think I saw any of it. I also almost ordered the Salad Chef. Thankfully getting my wallet required too much effort.

Saturday I spent the day with AJ and my mother. I cried a lot, but it was ok. I started letting people know of the loss by text or email. I was even able to sleep some that night.

Sunday, I had a realization. I had a baby, and that baby was born on 1/7/11. Why is this important? My nephew was born on 9/7, my niece was born on 6/7, my daughter was born on 8/7 and the baby we never got to meet was born on 1/7. To me, it makes this baby not a fluke of genetics, not a mistake, but a part of the family. A really tiny, but truly amazing part of the family who will always be remembered.