Day 3-Your first love

My first love. How boring. It is and was M. I had been in a grand total of 3 relationships before him and I can't say I honestly loved any of them. It was a love at first sight thing, and tha's all she wrote. M and I "met" online on yahoo personnals. My friends told me to go on to see if I'd meet anyone. I told them all I'd done the online thing and was done with it. To appease them, and show them what loosers would contact me online, I chose the cheapest site and put up a very sarcastic profile. Lo and behold I get a message from M. He's pretty cute and seemed to get my humor. We chatted online for a week before exchanging numbers. He called me just after Christmas and our first phone call lasted 7 hours. It was only ended by me saying that I had to pee, so we needed to hang up. By then it was 2AM.

We set up our first date for just after New Years. He drove an hour to my place and picked me up. He was much cuter in person than in the picture he put on his profile. We went to dinner and he had planned on going to a movie after, but we ended up talking at the restaurant for hours. Before we knew it they were trying to close and we had to leave. We didn't want to end the night just yet, so against everything my mother ever told me, I invited him back to my place after the first date.

Back at my apartment we talked for another long time, watched Monty Python's Flying Circus and some other random late night shows. He didn't leave until 2PM the next day. I met his family two weeks later and within in a month my niece and nephew were calling him Uncle.

Sick day

Not all "firsts" are fun. This is just such a story. AJ and her cousin were playing all day yesterday. Then when I got home from work, I noticed neither of them looked quite right. I couldn't place it, and since AJ had just had shots the day before I figured she was just lethargic because of that. Then the cousin threw up, all over the bathroom. I think a drop or two may have actually hit the toilet, but the rest definitely didn't. As her father was picking that mess up, I looked at AJ and prayed she wouldn't experience her first real vomit just yet. I know there's a stomach bug going around, so there was difinitely a chance of it. While I'm worrying about stuff coming out the top, I hear that more stuff is actually coming out the bottom. Gross. I clean that mess up, and in the meantime, the cousin vomits again. Fabulous, at least she hit the toilet this time. My niece and brother-in-law leave hoping to make it back to their house before she erupts again. I try to get AJ to have some dinner, which she passes on. She doesn't want a sippy or mac & cheese. Yep, something is definitely not right. Then she crawls on the couch and lays down. All on her own. I know something's coming now.

I start to play on the computer, so she crawls on my lap to play too. Thar she blows! She was so scared, not knowing what was happening. I felt so useless, I hate that feeling. I get her in the tub, set Grammy up to clean her up while I take care of the living room and myself. AJ gets in her PJs, relaxes and is fine, until Grammy tries to give her back to me. She starts crying and, yep, here comes some more. Plus a fever to really top off the night.

Thankfully the eventful portion of our night was over by then. We both slept on the couch so I could keep an eye on her and now we're taking a sick day.

15 Months

AJ had her 15 month appointment yesterday. She didn't gain much weight, but did grow another inch and a half in three months. I went to check her report printout and it measured her height in feet and inches. Seriously!? That caught me off guard. Babies are measured in inches, not feet. I guess I truly no longer have a baby on my hands.

AJ now realizes that bad things can happen at doctor's appointments. (In full disclosure though, she hadn't napped before the appointment, no matter how I tried to get her to, and fell asleep within seconds of getting in the car. After that long 5 minute drive to her appointment, she had to be woken out of sleep, so that doesn't make for a happy child.) She eyed everyone there like they were about to steal her favorite toy. She screamed during the body measuring, screamed through the weighing on the scale, screamed when the doctor tried to touch her at all, and had a complete meltdown when he attempted to remeasure her head size. After all of this, we then had to wait for AJ's three shots to be set up. Once again it took two nurses and myself to hold her down to get the shots in. The only funny part of the experience was AJ kept saying "Done" throughout the whole appointment. Now she gets to come back in another month to get the second flu shot. Should be interesting.

She is doing everything a 15 month old should be doing. She's still 90th in height 95th in head size and has now dropped to about 70th in weight. He wants to see an increase in weight by her next appointment. Oh, and he diagnosed her as having chronic constipation. I guess we'll be discussing poop frequency for many months to come.

Day 2

Meaning behind your blog name

Really. I hope I don't actually have to explain this.

Day 1

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

Hi there. Let me introduce myself. I'm mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend. I'm the mother of AJ, the most wonderful girl in my world. I'm the wife of M, although I'm still not sure why he chose me to fulfil that role. I'm the sister of my brothers, whether they wanted me to be or not while growing up. I'm the daughter of my parents, and the best friend of my mother.
 
Ok. 15 interesting facts. I'm going to interpret "interesting" to mean random.
 
1. I can't bite into a peach. Something about the fuzz.
2. Proof that there is a God came when dark chocolate peanut M&Ms were created.
3. I only have 8.5 toe nails.
4. I almost died in Vegas while retrieving my left flip flop
5. I used to get paid to rumage through rich peoples' laundry
6. I have a huge crush on Masaharu Morimoto
7. My first car was a standard. I didn't learn to drive standard until I was on my third car.
8. I can quote a scary amount of lines from John Hughes movies
9. I really want to move back to my hometown and wish I lived in a lot of country songs
10. I think I was born in the wrong era.
11. I love Christmas movies of all kinds
12. I study the titanic for fun, and will never go on a cruise because of this
13. Tom Cruise, Garth Brooks and Matthew McConaughey make my skin crawl
14. I hate all MTV shows and lose respect for people who watch them.
15. I always wanted to be a forensic psychologist
 
 
 

30 Day Blog Challenge

I've seen this a few places now, and figured I'd give it a shot. I'm positive I won't finish in 30 days, but it will be a challenge just to finish before the year is out.


Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts

Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name

Day 3-Your first love

Day 4-Your parents

Day 5-Your siblings

Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 7-Favorite movies

Day 8-A place you've traveled to

Day 9-A picture of your friends

Day 10-Something you're afraid of

Day 11-Favorite tv shows

Day 12-What you believe

Day 13-Goals

Day 14-A picture you love

Day 15-Bible verse

Day 16-Dream house

Day 17-Something you're looking forward to

Day 18-Something you regret

Day 19-Something you miss

Day 20-Nicknames

Day 21-Picture of yourself

Day 22-Favorite city

Day 23-Favorite vacation

Day 24-Something you've learned

Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

Day 26-Picture of your family

Day 27-Pets

Day 28-Something that stresses you out

Day 29-3 Wishes

Day 30-a picture

Lucky No. 7?

And another one down, and another one down, and another one bites the dust. Cycle 7 of attempting to make AJ a big sister = FAIL

Do I get to complain? I don't think so. I should, and do, feel extremely blessed to have a healthy happy little girl. She's amazing, wonderful and the best part of my life right now. I feel greedy for being bummed when AF rears her ugly head. How can I feel entitled to another miracle? Who can I complain to? Most people have issues with conceiving their first and it's smooth sailing after that. They don't know how it feels to know everything did work, but it's not now. Then there are those who have struggled with conceiving. I have no right to speak with them as I do have a baby. I have no reason to complain.

But still, this morning, while getting all my supplies ready for a day at the office with the great Aunt visting, I wanted to cry. So, instead of crying, I yelled, at M, for nothing. It's not his fault, but still. He was there, so he got the attack. I forgot that it's not all about me. He wants another baby just as much as I do.

Now the question starts to creep in. Before, I could just say, well we didn't time it right, we weren't really planning, etc. Not anymore. We timed, planned, did every thing by the book. Nope. So, here's the question. Why? Why was it so easy the first time and so hard this time? Are we destined to be one and done? Is there some reason only fate knows why we shouldn't have a baby right now? or the one that's really getting to me... Did AJ break me? This is the one that makes me tear up. I keep thinking that if I'm now broken, it may have been due to something I could have done better while laboring. My cousin's daughter broke her. She was never able to carry a full term pregnancy again, and this thought terrifies me. If this is the case, we're done. I don't want to go through what she did with multiple miscarriages and one horrible premature delivery ending in her son's death.

I know I should just go to my doctor and have them check things out. Ease my fears. I can't bring myself to do it though. I'm not ready to face the possibility of having my worst fear confirmed.

AJ's Birth Story

It's been bugging me for a while that I never wrote down all of the details of AJ's birth. I don't want to forget that time, so even though it's a year late, here it is.

At 40 weeks I stopped working. I couldn't handle the 50 mile commute any more. Unfortunately AJ still wasn't showing any signs of making her appearance. The whole week was forecasted to be in the upper 90s and humid. Great, just what an overly pregnant woman wants to hear. So there I sat, in the sauna that was our living room. By Wednesday I was begging M to take some vacation time early just so I'd have someone to talk to and drive me to the beautifully air conditioned mall. Anything to get relief from the boredom and heat. Just before bed Wednesday I went to the bathroom and there went the mucus plug. I'd read that although it looked like a great sign, it didn't mean much. I went to be figuring I'd be pregnant in the retirement home. Thursday I woke up with M and helped him get ready. While making his lunch I felt... something. I had no idea what it was, just something. It happens again a bit later, and I mention to M that I just don't feel right. He offers to stay home, but I tell him it's probably nothing, again, so go to work. He promises to keep his phone on him and heads out.

I kept feeling something, until the somethings start to feel more crampy. I drink water, sit on my exercise ball and play Zelda on Wii. (I downloaded the original and it is awesome). After a few hours the cramps become a bit more irritating. Not painful, just annoying. I pull up contractionmaster.com and figure for a lark I'd start to keep track. By Thursday evening I was sweating like crazy, sick of the silly game and just wanted to be done with everything. Thankfully that's when my mother came over. She comes over on Thursdays because M is at karate class so she wanted someone to be with me, just in case.

I tell her how I'm feeling and she gets excited. I try not to, and she says I need to get out of the house. We go to Applebee's for dinner. During the meal there are a few times I have to stop talking to focus on the contractions that have been increasing slowly. There still isn't any rhyme to them. We take a drive since her car has AC, and about half an hour later I tell her we need to go home. I can't handle the bumps anymore.

We wait, I still hadn't called M because nothing was moving very fast. Around 10PM M comes home and I still have the webpage up. I show him the results and how there isn't any set timing for them. He takes a shower and by the time he's out the pain has started in full force. I call the midwife and since we're an hour from the hospital, she tells us to come in. Before midnight Thursday I had my room for the duration of my stay. I was only 3cm at that point.

The nurse said I could take a hot shower if I thought it would help. I was in heaven in that tiny little stall. At least for a while. About an hour later, it was over, and I moved on. I tried every possible position I had read about. For a while the ball worked if M would push on my back during contractions for all he was worth. After the nurse found me on the floor, on all fours, rocking and crying. she offered some meds to help me sleep. All they did was make me drowsy and mad because I'd want to sleep but kept waking up. What was even worse was looking over and seeing M sleeping soundly in the chair. Ugh.

The next morning I was still only 5cm and didn't seem to be progressing very quickly. My mother and M's mother were around. We were still doing the rubbing of the back on the ball, until I gave up on that one. I was told I could use the hot tub. Big mistake. The second I got in I felt sick and the pain was unbearable. I'm not sure if it was the hot tub's fault, but I was crying to get out. (I always feel sick in hot tubs so I'm not sure why I thought this would be a good idea). As I got out I told M to find the nurse and get me an epi.

While waiting for the anesthesiologist I was laying in bed with M, my mother and his mother all still there. They had a chuck on the bed for some reason, I'm not sure why now, and I would move my feet through the pain. I ripped about 6 chucks into shreds with my heels. Finally, around 4PM I got my epi. Life was good. I was still only 7cm at that point. I wanted to try for natural, but I didn't have the strength in me to progress then have to push.

My contractions still weren't regular, so they put me on pitocin to help that part out. Around that time they broke my water hoping to get things going.

Just before 9PM the midwife checked me and said AJ was crowning. The stage was set. I was promised not much pushing would be needed since she was so close. At 9:02 I started pushing. I was staring at the clock on the wall, since the other option was the mirror at the end of the bed. Nope not looking there. I pushed, and pushed and pushed. Three pushes per contraction. At 11:52PM AJ was born. My baby was put on my chest even though we weren't breastfeeding. I got to hold her for about a minute.

They took her away to do her check, or so I thought. Turns out she was having trouble breathing. They ended up bringing her to the NICU and having x-rays/blood work/etc done. I found this out later because I was bleeding. It took 2 hours to stop my bleeding and thankfully my midwife stopped them from bringing me to the OR for a D&C. I barely notice that M is not with me the whole time. I'm too out of it to hear much. At 2AM the bleeding has almost stopped, and the nurse gets stuck with the chore of cleaning up the room. I remember seeing so much blood everywhere. I was a little scared. Then M comes in and is followed by the pediatrician on staff at the hospital. They think AJ has pneumonia. Her lungs look cloudy and they can't handle that at the NICU in the hospital. She needs to be transferred to Boston.

I cry. M cries. The nurse cleaning me up cries.

A half hour later the pediatrician comes in to say they have a transport scheduled for 5AM and walks out. M climbs into his chair-bed and falls asleep. I wanted to throw something at him. How could he sleep?

At 5AM a man and woman in blue wheel a baby transport crib into my room so I can say goodbye to AJ. I could only see her foot. Due to the blood loss, I wasn't able to sit up or even incline the bed. She had a CPAP on anyway so her face was blocked even if I could see her. I say Hi and Bye to my baby girl and watch her leave. M then grabs his keys to follow the ambulance to Boston. So by 5:10 I am alone in my room. No baby, no husband. M called my mother on the road, told her what was going on and asked her to come stay with me.

AJ was ultimately diagnosed with TTN and released from the NICU in Boston on Tuesday. M stayed with her the whole time. I had two blood transfusions and was released Sunday with strict orders not to do anything. After getting home I was too tired to ride into Boston. Monday, my mother drove us down. She hates driving in the city as much as I do, but it was worth it. I finally was able to meet my baby. She was beautiful and healthy. What more could I ask for. Then I had to leave. I had pushed myself too much already and almost passed out a few times. The next day we had plans to come down to visit again, but were informed she was going to be released that afternoon. We arrived at 10AM and find M waiting with her release paperwork. Finally, we were all headed home.

Signs II

A while ago I wrote about seeing signs from God that I was on the right path or doing the right things with my life. I try to keep an open dialogue with God, but I usually don't feel like I've felt His presence or seen the signs He intends. Earlier I wrote about seeing the sign I was to marry M. I felt another sign when we bought our house. I was standing in the kitchen during our first walk through. I looked out the window above the sink and felt an overwhelming sense of "home". I just knew this was the house we were supposed to live in. With all the problems we've had, termites, electrical issues, lack of space, etc., I still think back on that feeling and find comfort in that we are where He intended us to be.

Another more recent example is deciding when to try for another baby. I got the baby bug when AJ was only 4 months old. How crazy that seems now. I could be just about to have another baby if we had went with that feeling. I couldn't imagine trying to run after AJ while being so pregnant I didn't want to move. Or to make AJ miss out on any experiences this summer because I didn't feel well.

Because of this I started praying about when to start trying to conceive again. M and I agree on two names, one a first name for a boy and one a middle name for a girl. In one of my many conversations with God I said, when it is time for us to try again, I want to hear the priest in Sunday Mass mention both of these names together. So for months I've been waiting to hear my sign. I know that I could have read up on the Sunday readings and known beforehand when both names would be mentioned together. I didn't want to do that, it felt like cheating. Last Sunday I received my sign. I know it was meant to be because M and I had decided to not go to church that day. We've had a really busy summer each doing our own things. We hadn't been able to spend much time together as a family, so we went out for breakfast and were going to have a quiet day together.

While out at breakfast M gets a call from his mother. She really needs to talk to her sons about an important matter, and could we meet over at brother-in-law's house, go to church with them, and have lunch to talk. Ok. So much for our quiet day. I was really bummed, but I knew what she needed to talk to her boys about, and it was important. Lo and behold, that day in Mass, the day we weren't going to go, was the day both names were said by the priest. Exactly the sign I had asked for. Take it for what you will, but we took it to mean it was time. As a side note: M had been praying as well about the same issue, and we discussed later that he got his sign from God a few days earlier.

Hello again

So, it's been a while. In the past three months since my last post, I've become another year closer to the big 3-0, I believe I was battling some sort of depression, we adopted a dog, and my little girl turned 1. Wow, all that in just a few weeks. Crazy.

So turning 29 isn't a huge deal to me. The only thing I even noticed about it was that I had always hoped to be done having kids before 30. Guess that won't be happening since we hope to have at least one more.

As for the depression. I'm not exactly sure what that was about or even if it was that. I just know that for months I hated everything about my life, except my daughter. I couldn't bring myself to see anything good in any other part of every day life. I'm not sure what happened, but about a month ago I finally was able to kick the feeling and see the good things again.

Around the time I was getting out of that feeling, we went out looking for the perfect dog. We knew what would work for us and knew we wanted to adopt rather than go to a breeder. After searching 5 places in one day, we found the perfect dog at the last place on our list. He's a beagle mix named Sam. He's about 1-2 years old and was a local stray. He's well mannered and great with kids. He has been such a great addition to the family.

Earlier this month, the infant became a toddler. Crazy! She's such a big girl, walking around for about 2 months now, starting to figure out words and just a complete joy, even when she's a crank. We had a great Mickey Mouse Clubhouse themed party and it was a fantastic time. I'm so happy it's over though.

Hopefully I'll keep more current with this from now on. We'll see.

Excuse me. I'm bathing here.

Ah, the joys of owning an older home. When we bought our house, we saw there was damage to the walls in the shower. It's an old house, and the shower walls are made of laminated particle board. We figured it was a little rot, a problem, but we still loved the house. The home inspector also didn't mention any issue with this, just that there was damage to the walls. Ok, no biggie. We patched it up for the time being and went about other projects.

About a month ago we were shown exactly how wrong our assumptions were. My mother was watching AJ that day, and gave her a bath. AJ was just splashing around, having a grand ol' time. After the bath was over, my mother took her out and brought her to her room to get dressed without draining the tub. She gets AJ situated and goes back to drain the tub. It's now full of bugs. Little winged black bugs. She gets the Raid, sprays the bejeezus out of the tub and washes away the mess.

I get home from work and she tells me of the new situation. I look in the shower at the bugs, because by now more have appeared after her initial bug massacre. I then go to my handy laptop, look up the bugs to find out what they are. We have termites. Fantastic. After doing the heeby jeeby dance I make an appointment with Terminix.

Terminix comes and lets me know that the damage "could be worse". Not exactly reassuring when there are little black winged creatures coming out of the walls in my shower. Apparently we have at least five years worth of damage and it will take close to 2 years to kill the colony. Blech! Ok, that's fine. The Terminix man does it's thing, puts out bait sticks, wet treats the basement wood and after giving me one heck of a bill, is on his way.

We still have bugs in the shower. Lots of them at times, usually right after Alex's bath. I call Terminix. They say just wait it out, there's nothing that can be done, and they're doing no harm. No harm! I'm getting whiplash from watching all corners of the shower to make sure no invasion happens during bathtime.

So, after a month, we're still getting occasional "swarmers" making appearances in the tub. I now have Raid on the counter next to the toothpaste. I can't wait until the stars allign allowing us to tear out the old and put in the new. I'm going with actual tile this time. Something the buggies can't eat through!

No going back

We're on Day 5 of cloth diapers. We've had ups and downs, but neither M or I have broken out the disposables yet. My first pre-fold took about 10 minutes to put on. I had M and my mother laughing in the background, so that didn't help much, but I finally got it on without gaps. I even had trouble with the cover. It was a rough start. The next change was another pre-fold. This time I was better, it probably only took 5 minutes. The cover went right on, no problems. I've tried different folds since then and am finally getting into a groove and figuring out what works best for AJ.

Saturday I went out all day shopping with AJ and my mother. We were out for 7 hours, and it went pretty well. We used our BumGenius diapers this time. One change in the back of a car and one in the Walmart restroom. Unfortunately we did have leaking issues on the second change though. AJ fell asleep half an hour before I needed to do another change, and I let her sleep. (The thing about AJ is she doesn't fall asleep easily, so when she finally does go down, no one wants to wake her up again). I figured we'd have a wetness issue, but I was willing to risk it for just a short time. So the Walmart change was a full outfit change, but even that wasn't bad. The BG were so easy, there was no difference between those and the disposables.

Sunday was another story. Since we were close to home all day, we went back to the pre-folds. First diaper, poop. Then bathtime, another poop. Second diaper, poop. We had to go to church, so we put a BG on, with an extra insert insure we'd have no leaks. As soon as I sat down I smelled more poop (Yeah, I know, AJ is full of it). I waited until the readings to leave to change her. I also realized we had forgotten to pack the wetbag. I stand up for the reading and notice my pants are now wet. So are AJ's of course. Along with forgetting the wetbag I also forgot an extra outfit. I mean we live 20 yards from church, I really didn't think we'd need it. So a quick run home, change both our outfits and her bum of course, then back to church for communion.

After all this poopy drama, we notice AJ's bum is really red and she's squirming away from the wipe. Fantastic. M tries to let her air out, but she can crawl, roll, pull herself up on things, so just hanging free isn't really an option since our floors are untreated wood. So we go with a little A&D and a no cover pre-fold. M attempts to feed AJ a bottle. I advise to put a chuch between her and him, but he didn't think he needed to. So now there's another outfit change for him, and a new diaper for her. That is pretty much all the excitement Sunday could hold.

I figured after all that, if we were still using cloth, we meant to keep it up. How could it get worse than that? NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION!!!

Alex had Shepherd's pie for dinner last night. I know this because some form of that is what came out today, in a truly disgusting mess. We don't have the toilet sprayer, so it's dunk, dunk, dunk. Now I know for certain, since she's still in cloth, that we won't be going back to disposables. I know that mess, and before cloth, that mess would have been from her hair to her toes. We've seen it before, and I hope to never see that again.

Now if I could just find a clothesline.

Easily Excited

Yesterday morning I couldn't sleep. I was awake at 5:00AM. I had the day off work, AJ and M were still sleeping. I, however, felt like a kid at Christmas. Yesterday was delivery day. Our new couch was set to be delivered. After 11 years, there finally would be no more futons being used in my home. That should have been what was keeping me awake with excited anticipation. However, it was not. I was also waiting on two other deliveries, in the form of Fluff. I took the plunge and ordered cloth diapers for AJ. After discussing it with Matt, we came to the conclusion that this was worth an attempt.

I had never seen any of the items being delivered. Hence my excitement. It was the fear and excitement of the unknown. I had nervous knots in my belly all morning. I was stalking the tracking websites, waiting for my deliveries. Finally, the first box came. 12 prefolds and 2 Snappis. How exciting? It wasn't much, but I ripped that box open with a gusto I haven't shown since the days of Santa. Once I saw the first part of my new plan, I was even more nervous. It was real. I was actually going to do this. Eeek!

Less than 20 minutes later, the second box of fluff came. This was amazing. I was oohing and aahing over everything in the bag. The covers, the one-size, fitteds. Everything was amazing, soft and so darn cute. All the nervous-ness was gone. I now couldn't get these puppies in the wash and prepped quick enough. I didn't want to wait to see AJ with a fluffy bum.

After going through the stash, I packed up AJ and we got the remaining items we'd need to make the switch official. AJ was in her first cloth diaper in time for bed. I took so many pictures, and was extremely excited about the whole thing. I spent the rest of my TV viewing time stuffing one-sizes and trying to figure out where to put everything.

Oh, and the couch is nice too.

The Bum Debate

Recently I've been toying with the idea of switching AJ to cloth diapers. I don't know anyone in real life who does this anymore. Most people who I've mentioned it to shudder at the mere thought of attempting something so archaic when disposables are so available and easy. Parents, grandparents, and basically anyone who has ever pinned a cloth diaper or attempted to get the foul remains of a toddler with an upset stomach into the toilet then the washing machine looks at me like I've suddenly grown a second or even third head. "Why would you even consider this?!?!"

In my online life however I know many people who cloth diaper. They are forever extolling on the wonders that are cloth diapers. They are great for the baby, the environment, the wallet, and make you feel like a better person for having done something so wonderous. Maybe I'm easily persuaded. Ok, there's no maybe about it, but I feel like I'm a worse person for going so willingly to disposables.

I have at least one year left before the words "potty training" will even enter our home, and that's being very hopeful on my part. So make that closer to two years of purchasing and tossing those oh so convenient bum covers. Then there's the idea of adding one, or more, baby to the mix in the coming years. It makes a person think.

How does a mother make the switch mid-game? After months of change the baby, toss the diaper I'm actually thinking of having to spray, wash, dry, sun-bleach, fold. Then there's the thought of trying to salvage a diaper after a particularly bad BM. I've seen some blowouts where I've seriously considered whether the onsie was worth trying to save, or just toss it with the diaper as a total loss. My stomach is turning just contemplating going through this as par for the course.

I think it would have been an easier decision if I didn't know the alternative. I know how easy life is now. Sure the CD Mamas, as they are known, will say how cloth is no more difficult than disposables. I can't imagine how this is true though. I don't have to worry about doing laundry every other day for fear the house will smell like a men's room at a concert in July. I don't have a hose attached to my toilet, so I can spray those poopies right off. Seriously, some of the vileness I've seen come from my beautiful little girl took so many wipes I lost count. I have wanted to take her outside and spray her down with a garden hose and the best part was wrapping the diaper up in it's neat little triangle shape and throwing it in the trash, wiping my hands of the whole mess. Had she been in cloth... [shudder]

So, the jury is still out. I'll have to price out the diapers we're using now and see what the best option would be for us. Actually, that's just to make me feel like I'm a well thought out person. The real reason holding me back is the though that AJ (and any future baby) won't be able to wear jeans. For some reason, that's what I'm still holding on to. I'm going to go hang my materialistic head in shame.

It's Spring!

Ok, so not quite, but it sure feels like it. We're in the middle of a beautiful weather weekend. Sunny and warm. Well, 50s which is warm for March. I took AJ on a long walk with her grandmother yesterday. We went along the local bike path. It's paved and scenic, great combination for walks using a stroller. It seems like everyday I find another reason to be happy to start a family in our little town.

I've had the windows open during the day the past two days, and am just waiting on the sun to come around a bit more before doing it again today. I don't think there's anything quite as wonderful as opening the windows after a long, cold winter. Even if it means putting on a sweatshirt to be comfy, it's in the mind. It makes me feel so happy and excited. As a bonus, I saw our tulips comming up. I'm not a huge fan of tulips, the previous owner planted them, but it's new growth, and that's enough for now.

Today will probably bring my first real attempt at yardwork. Last year I was too pregnant to do much around the outside and we still had too many projects to deal with on the inside. Oh the joys of buying an older house. I am looking forward to exploring the outdoors in a whole new way this year. I'll be able to see it through the eyes of AJ, exploring and learning about this new play area. I loved being outside as a child, and hope AJ loves it too. So far, she does. I've never seen a smile on her face as big as when she's getting a face full of wind. It makes me smile, and I thank God for her everyday.

Happy "Spring"!

99 Things

I saw this on a blog I follow called Heather Drive. It looks like a great list of things to try to accomplish in life. The things I have done should be bolded, with explanations as needed. Sort of like a pre-made Bucket List. Lets see where I stack up.

1. Started your own blog


2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (I played drums in Elementary School)

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland (Just Disneyworld)

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch  (I would love to learn photography)

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (I call them Mental Health Days)

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (I'm counting this one because I was at the concert Aerosmith taped for the movie Be Cool, they panned the crowd, and I'm there somewhere)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee (so many times I'm now allergic)
 
31 out of 99, not great. I need to do some traveling.

Book vs Movie

I didn't think it could happen. I just finished reading a book and now that I'm done I can say, I prefer the movie. I've never done that before.

I saw this movie a long time ago. Not quite when it came out, but it was many years ago. I enjoyed it. It made me think and be thankful for what I have. I also was a fan of Mandy Moore, and I may or may not have had a crush on Shane West at the time.

The other day while doing some Goodwill hunting, I found a Reader Digest with this book as part of the collection. I always wanted to read it, and I couldn't beat the price ($0.99 for the four books in one). It was an okay story. If I hadn't seen the movie I may have liked it more. However, I didn't feel that the characters were developed to the point the movie did. I didn't feel as engaged in the story, more like an observer than a participant. I love reading, and my favorite books will bring me in until I become a part of their world. It just didn't happen here. However, now that I've read my first Nicholas Sparks book, I'm eager to try another. I've heard great things about him and hope it's worth the time.

The latest author phenomonon (Stephanie Meyers) I just didn't get the big deal. I really hope I can enjoy some of the other Sparks books, because I'm out of authors to try.

Too Soon

Why do they grow up so fast? Today, I was spending time with the in-laws, who watch AJ while I'm working. I was watching my father-in-law hold AJ's hands and she was walking around the living room. I'm not ready for this! She's not even crawling yet. She's not even seven months old, it's too soon. I know she'll probably be walking before she crawls, since she has zero interest in crawling she loves to stand and jump, but this is crazy.

Yesterday we were on a playdate. There was another girl there one month younger than AJ. However if you didn't know the age difference, you'd never guess they were so close. This girl wasn't rolling, wasn't sitting and had no interest in eating real food. AJ has been doing all this for two months now. Is it just her? I know parents always think their kids are more advanced, more beautiful, more everything than any other child, but I'm starting to look at other babies her age and seeing major differences between them.

Her well-baby visit is next week, so we'll see how she measures up to the official charts.

Grace...FAIL!

I set a goal for myself a couple weeks ago. I was going to say Grace before sitting down to a meal. How many times did I remember to do this? 0. Zero. Zippo. Not even once. How sad is that? I'm so angry at myself for not making this a priority. M grew up saying Grace. He also mentioned he wanted it to be a part of life for us as a family when we have kids. Well, we have a kid. How many times have we said Grace since AJ has been around? A big fat nil! Jeesh, what's wrong with us?

I brought this issue up to M the other day. I asked if we could make this a part of our Lentin routine. Ash Wednesday was yesterday. We had fish for dinner. We had fish for lunch. However in both those meals, neither of us thought to say Grace. I'm so ashamed.

Today is the first full day of Lent. I haven't eaten yet, so I haven't failed for the day... yet. I hope to remember my own resolution. I WANT to make this a part of my life. Why do I keep blanking out on my own want. Usually I would say it is because Jesus has another plan when I forget something I really want to do, but this time? Really? Jesus doesn't want me to say Grace. That doesn't seem right.

I'll update on my progress. Hopefully it won't be another big fat Fail!

Born and Raised... then what?

Another person came to me recently because she is struggling with her Catholic faith. I know so many people who were "Born and Raised" Catholics, but then either fall out of faith completely, or more often, look to a different church to fulfil their needs.

My friend came to me over the weekend and wanted to talk about religion. I know that's usually a topic better left unsaid, along with politics, but I like to think I keep being sought out because I'm open about my strong faith, but reasonable enough to listen to the issue at hand, without preaching. Whatever the reason, I'm happy. I love discussing religion and trying to help out a friend in crisis.

Here's the situation, it's an all to common one. "Jane" was born into a Catholic home. She was brought up in the faith and completed all the rites expected of her. She met a boy who wasn't Catholic but he went through RCIA, so now Jane could get married in her Church and continue being a good Catholic. Jane had two kids, both were baptized Catholic.

She occasionally went to church with her family, but found it difficult. The kids were bored, the church was so large that the little one would get scared and scream. Jane couldn't make it through a Mass without having to get up and move to the back of the building. Thus, she wasn't getting much out of the experience either. Jane didn't know anyone at Church, so no one really missed her when she didn't attend.

A couple of years pass, and Jane still isn't going to Church. She misses it, misses her relationship with God, but can't bring herself to repeat the experience of attending Mass she had before. Then, Jane speaks with one of her friends of a different faith. She is invited to go to Sunday Mass at the friend's church. Jane packs up the family, and off they go. It's a whole new experience. As soon as she walks in, she feels welcomed, like an old friend who stopped by to visit. Mass is similar to the Catholic one, but there are a few differences. After Mass, there is Fellowship Hour. People gather for coffee and socializing. Jane speaks to more people in that one hour than she did in the years she attended the other church.

Here's the dilema. Jane has always categorized herself as Catholic. She believes it's part of her identity. Jane came to me because of her fears. She's afraid she won't be able to categorize herself as Catholic if she becomes a part of the new church, she's also afraid of being shunned by Catholics for turning her back on the faith that raised her. I completely understand these fears. I have them myself. I explained to her the main difference between Catholic faith and every other christian faith. Even though the two churches are very similar, there are some key differences. I encouraged her to speak with the Priest and find out from him the specific differences between the new church and her previous one. Only she can determine if not being Catholic is important enough to her to stay at a place she's not satisfied. I tried to help her realize she wouldn't be "shunned" by Catholics for changing faith. She doesn't have any relations that are strong enough in their belief to do so. (I however do, thus, my major hinderance in searching for a more fulfilling religious experience).

I pray she finds what she's looking for. I pray for her everyday that she will find God in her own way. Maybe this is the path she needs. She invited me to come along to the new church one Sunday so I can see the differences myself. I'm thinking about going, but I would have to go without M, which is causing a new set of problems for me.

Signs (Part I)

This is something I should have put down in writing a while ago, but never did, then forgot about it. Until Sunday, when I was hit with the realization all over again.

It was three years ago, Sunday, that I (1) first met M's family and (2) was struck with the realization that Jesus wanted M to be the man I marry.

For the past four years M and his family go to church together the last Sunday of January. We had been dating for all of three weeks when he asked me to go with him to meet his family. M and I get there first, find a pew, and wait for Mass to begin. While waiting his mother and her husband show up. I get a quick intro, a quick hug and face front again. A minute later, one of the brothers shows up, again, quick intro, and back to front. The Mass begins, and I'm lost in the music, listening to M sing loud and proud. The introduction and first prayer are finished, and we sit. It is then that I realize our pew and the one behind us are now full, and apparently they are all M's family. Four brothers, two girlfriends, a niece, and a family friend all show up, surrounding us while I wasn't looking. I get this amazing feeling of belonging wash over me. I've never felt anything like it before.

The readings begin, and what's the first one? 1 Corinthians 13:4 This is the ultimate wedding verse. Love is... That's all that needs to be said. Everyone knows it. Two words and people are already finishing the sentance. I don't think there could have been a less subtle sign. I look at M and I hear Him telling me, this is your future. This family and this church.

Lo and behold He was right. Shocking I know. I am now a part of that family and belong to that church. How did I suddenly remember this amazing day? The liturgical calendar is three years. That means that every three years the readings will repeat. Sitting in church with M and his family again, I hear the lectur read "Love is...".  WHAM! It hits me, that deja vu, only not. I'm now sitting with MY family, we all have the same last name now. Some faces have changed, one of the girlfriends is gone, the other girlfriend is now a fiance, and the biggest change, AJ is now sleeping in her father's arms.

Jesus Freak?

I'm a closet Jesus Freak. Is that even possible? I'm not sure, but if it is possible, I am it. Outwardly, most people wouldn't even realize I try to go to church every Sunday. Inside, I talk to Jesus daily. I don't make a decision anymore without having a conversation with Him, albeit one-sided. He has answered me though, and that helps.

I see people praising Him on Facebook, praying out of the blue, and I'm envious. I wish I had the gumption to do that. I don't know how to break out of my shell and embrace it. Even with those closest to me, I can't be that honest and just bust out in a scripture quote.

I'm going to try everyday to be a little more open with my praising. It's a personal challenge I'm setting for myself today. If I do a little more everyday, maybe it will become easier.

The Beginning

Since it's the first day of a new month, I want to start this one off by keeping a record of things. I'm a horrible date-keeper, and I don't want to lose some special events due to my lack of short-term memory. Then there are those times I think of something and really want to remember it, so I should write it down, but the big question is always Where? Where do I write down these things I don't want to forget. Now I have that place. Should anyone else ever read this, I hope not to bore them too greatly, but I don't expect others to be concerned with my daily ramblings.